Help
“Behind the world in which we live, far in the background, lies another world, and the two have about the same relation to each other as do the stage proper and the stage one sometimes sees behind it in the theater. Through a hanging of fine gauze in seems as it were, a world if gauze, lighter, more ethereal, with a quality different from that if the actual world, Many people who appear physically in the actual world are not at home in it but are at home in that other world.”
-Kierkegaard, The Seducer’s Diary
I already quoted this before, but it’s such a good summary of the way I’ve really felt my whole life. I have never felt a part of this world. I have never really fit in.
There was a time I was really optimistic and sure of myself, and I thought I would use this to my advantage. All my pains of utter loneliness - perhaps they could be used for the good. This is the time when people really shine - this is the time the best books are written, the best poetry is written..
I only wish I could shine like this. I know I have it in me, if I put my mind to it. But it’s so maddening staying here in the world and being disappointed so bad. I pray for inner peace.. for release from anxiety.. but this has been happening so long, that maybe it’s something I’m doing to myself, or maybe God has truly cursed me. I am worthy of nothing, but I pray that God is merciful. God has no obligation to act for my benefit, but I pray for it, now more than ever. I’m either going insane or I am really at the end of my rope.. if God doesn’t help me now, then there will be no other time for Him to help me.