Persistence of Memory (another post letting off steam.. bear with me)
How can you forget someone you haven’t seen for two months, and yet still dream about regularly? I know this is especially painful for me, because I hardly ever remember my dreams. I know there’s something going on when I actually remember what - or in this case, who - I was dreaming about.
I guess it’s also always painful when you know this other person hasn’t thought about you except for maybe once by chance during that whole time, and all this time you yourself are preoccupied with them.
Surely I’m not the only one with this problem? Maybe I’m slightly too neurotic, and I realize that, but there must be others like me out there.
And then I will eventually become normal again, and able to concentrate and think of other things. But here’s the perfect time for the process to repeat itself. Blaise Pascal said it well:
How tiresome it is to give up pursuits to which we have become attached. A man enjoying a happy home-life has only to see a woman who attracts him, or spend five or six pleasant says gambling, and he will be very sorry to go back to what he was doing before. It happens every day. (Pensees, #79)
How painful it is to be away and think of this person daily… but how much more painful it is to actually be with her! To see her and laugh with her, and to occasionally share a silent glance between us, and wonder what the meaning of it is, and to wonder if there is still some possibility. And she stands so close as to touch you, and yet still you wonder. Then in the next moment she is obviously standing as far away from you as possible. And then you try to sit with her, and she makes an excuse and moves away to another seat. Is it just a game? How far can we string on this poor misguided soul? I have never had the pleasure of manipulating people this way before, oh it is fun!
Soon our mutual friends will get together again for a movie or a show of some sort, and until then I’m in constant struggle of wanting to go and not wanting to go. I am tempted to go, but the logical half of me knows I’ll just be teased and disappointed. She may well flirt and lead me on, but by the end of the night she will simultaneously have moved her seat and strategically avoided me. I’m not a friend, I’m not a human being, I’m just a puppet being strung along and manipulated.
NO, I do not want to go. And yet I’m still being tugged. My heart wants to go, to enjoy myself and hang out with my friends. But my brain knows that my heart is gullible and easily broken, and will certainly be broken again. The only way to prevent that is to avoid seeing her ever again.
I want to move on. I know I will eventually move on. The same thing happened to me with a girl in high school. Why is it that this is my only experience with girls? Why do I repeatedly subject myself to this torment and pain? This has a dramatic effect on my well-being and I really shouldn’t let it bother me. But it does. It bothers me a great deal.
One of my friends says I should use my passion and divert it into something creative, such as writing or something. Other than these blog entries, which are just written as a way to cool myself off, I really don’t have the discipline to sit down and write a story. I never have had that discipline. And I’ve always felt I write lousy stories. I have great ideas for plot and characters, but I don’t have the skill to write it into something worth reading. I just don’t.
God, I know you exist, but I don’t know how much you interact in the world anymore, if at all. Please help me deal with this torment. I pray for this every night, and eventually it will pass, but I pray that it will pass sooner. I am not sad anymore, I’m just tired.. tired of life in general. I seem to always have been ready to give up completely, but I know that’s not an option. Please carry me forward, please take care of me, please protect me, please be my purpose here, please let me come to terms with myself, please give me strength, please give me peace, please give me love. I know I deserve none of these things, but I desire all of them.