Kyrie Eleison
Just today I was thinking how I had been preoccupied with school and hadn’t had the chance to think about her. In fact, it had been a while. No longer was she creeping up in my dreams even. I had been starting to feel a bit better.
Just tonight everyone went out to the midnight showing of Ironman, and of course she came along. I was happy to see her again. I tried to talk to her but it’s as difficult as ever before. I tried to make conversation, but it was obvious she would rather not talk. I guess at this point we would both rather not talk or make contact at all. I sort of lamented at how easily she got along with everyone else, and how she was enjoying herself and laughing. Whenever I’ve tried to make jokes they always fall flat. I’ve never made her laugh. I must not be very enjoyable to talk with either. In short, I simply reaffirm my belief that I don’t fit in. I never have.
Suicide has been a topic I keep returning to time and again, ever since high school. There are times such as these where the unbearable heaviness of my situation makes me question my existence. I really am an alien to this world. My room is the only place I belong. I don’t feel comfortable anywhere else.
I shouldn’t have to reflect on my life situation every time I go out to a movie with my friends. I have fun, but afterwards I’m just struct by how much I don’t belong there, or anywhere. I’ve been told that all these thoughts are my own, that it’s all in my head. Well, so be it, but I can’t get them out. I ask Christ for mercy but my situation remains the same. I ask God for direction but He is silent. Christ have mercy, Kyrie eleison. Kyrie eleison. Kyrie eleison. Kyrie eleison.
June 2nd, 2008 at 9:11 pm
A lot of my posts like the above are pretty intense, I realize. Note that I wrote this just after coming back from the movie (3:30am) and still had these thoughts in my head. This is what I was thinking at the time, or maybe overanalyzing, which definitely can be a bad thing.
The next morning was a lot better. Getting some sleep gives a lot better perspective on things. Sleep is the ally of the depressed person, or at least it’s always been my ally.
For all the uncomfortable feelings I have about my life, I still have it a lot better than a lot of people. I have great friends and a great caring, stable family who really genuinely enjoys spending time together.
I think every thinking person has thought about suicide. Depressed people tend to think about it more. Suicidal people, well, obviously think about it almost all the time. I don’t think about it all the time.
There was a time when I broke down and had to rethink my entire life situation. I had to understand to circumstances regarding suicide. I had to consider that traditionally it’s been an unpardonable sin, guaranteed to be punishable by Hell. But for that to even be possible, then God must exist. This is the time in my life when I seriously considered arguments for and against God’s existence, and came to believe strongly in His existence. So that makes Hell much more possible, and much more real.
But it’s not the thought of Hell; it’s more the thought that I would be throwing away something God has worked on, something that may have some small purpose in this world. Suicide is kind of like questioning God’s judgment on the matter of your existence.
Not only that, even looking at it from an atheistic perspective, unless under severe inescapable pain, suicide is a waste.
The next “best” thing, I thought, would be to put myself in harm’s way in the process of doing something good for the world. So I thought, I can join the Army and possibly get killed in the line of duty. Or I can be more riskier than I would’ve been normally, and try to wrestle the gun away from the man robbing the bank. But even these are crazy ideas.
Most of all, I would be throwing away something my family has been working on preserving for over two decades. They have struggled to maintain a home, provide food, schooling, toys, etc, for me, who has the ability to selfishly throw it out in an instant. That would be a great injustice, and they definitely wouldn’t deserve that. If there’s one thing I hate to see in the world, it’s injustice. And if it’s me doing the injustice, then I have all the power to prevent that from happening in the first place.