The next morning was a lot better. Getting some sleep gives a lot better perspective on things. Sleep is the ally of the depressed person, or at least it’s always been my ally.

For all the uncomfortable feelings I have about my life, I still have it a lot better than a lot of people. I have great friends and a great caring, stable family who really genuinely enjoys spending time together.

I think every thinking person has thought about suicide. Depressed people tend to think about it more. Suicidal people, well, obviously think about it almost all the time. I don’t think about it all the time.

There was a time when I broke down and had to rethink my entire life situation. I had to understand to circumstances regarding suicide. I had to consider that traditionally it’s been an unpardonable sin, guaranteed to be punishable by Hell. But for that to even be possible, then God must exist. This is the time in my life when I seriously considered arguments for and against God’s existence, and came to believe strongly in His existence. So that makes Hell much more possible, and much more real.

But it’s not the thought of Hell; it’s more the thought that I would be throwing away something God has worked on, something that may have some small purpose in this world. Suicide is kind of like questioning God’s judgment on the matter of your existence.

Not only that, even looking at it from an atheistic perspective, unless under severe inescapable pain, suicide is a waste.

The next “best” thing, I thought, would be to put myself in harm’s way in the process of doing something good for the world. So I thought, I can join the Army and possibly get killed in the line of duty. Or I can be more riskier than I would’ve been normally, and try to wrestle the gun away from the man robbing the bank. But even these are crazy ideas.

Most of all, I would be throwing away something my family has been working on preserving for over two decades. They have struggled to maintain a home, provide food, schooling, toys, etc, for me, who has the ability to selfishly throw it out in an instant. That would be a great injustice, and they definitely wouldn’t deserve that. If there’s one thing I hate to see in the world, it’s injustice. And if it’s me doing the injustice, then I have all the power to prevent that from happening in the first place.